I would like to like you...

I shall close my eyes, you will sweep me off my feet and I will fall madly in love with you. I miss the rush, the high of a new love, but this time I would love to like you too...No matter how things end up between us I want to be able to proudly proclaim to anyone that you were my lover and furthermore a wonderful man. I would like you to be honest, kind, patient and so much more not to get my attention or to get in my pants, not because we're in the beginning nor because of the circumstances or just because I'm your girlfriend. You mustn't be ideal, not even what I imagined to be the perfect man for me and I might still fall hard for your good heart, sharp mind and witt. However, don't ask me to keep loving you once I stop liking you...my values are not sacrifices to be burnt on a love pyre. My heart may be a traitor and stand by you, but once my mind starts to criticize you, it truly is the beginning of the end.

Here's the conundrum then...if everything I so righteously stated above is true, then how about unconditional love? Isn't true love (not necessarily healthy) the kind of love we all aspire to? It sure is the stuff of my dreams, which brings me to an uncomfortable conclusion of hypocrisy. I wish to be loved unconditionally, in spite and even because of my flaws, but I cannot in good conscience promise the same. Or maybe it should be unconditional only between parents and children (both ways)? But even in that case it is difficult to establish which should take moral precedence: the "obligation" to love or the duty/right to sanction what you don't like? Does the love card trump everything else or is love to be bestowed only to those deserving it? And if it's the latter, then who decides the criteria according to which one is deserving? Are values more important than people?

Is it the ultimate hubris....to imagine you can choose to love only the people that you like, or is it a sign of strength and devotion to be able to love somebody even when you don't approve their choices and you don't like all that they've become?

Regardless of the possible answers, I believe that I would rather prefer to be liked and on top of that loved, since love happens to you (willing or not), but "liking" is a rational choice. So, future lover of mine, I wish to be chosen by you and not merely be thrust upon you by fate; but I will hope against hope to be re-chosen each day and be loved no matter what.

Missing limb...

I miss you like a missing limb sometimes...The absence of the ghost limb still haunts and hurts me. Why do I mourn your disappearance when all my other limbs are present and healthy and more than happy to make up for you being gone?

But I only feel the void you left behind and I only obsess on my loss not my gains. I must confess I tried prosthetic limbs, I tried to replace you and the only result was a doubled pain.  They felt so artificial, not part of me, not recognized by my body or my soul. I ended up brutally rejecting them just to feel myself again, to escape the feeling of guilt over betraying you. I do not want or need the support, fake understanding or attempts to heal me of the prosthetic limbs. I run from their condescending tone, their cliche advice or their sympathy. But most of all I hate their arrogance...they will never be able to take your place; imposing their affections on me won't gain them a spot inside me, it only condemns them to remain outsiders. 

And since it's clear I can't pretend or accept cosmetic replacements just to seem whole and normal...I'll just wait for my limb to grow again. It's an excruciating pain letting go of you, my former limb, coming to terms that it was never meant to be. And I fear growing a new limb, nurturing it with my heart and soul. I fear I won't be patient enough or wise enough to recognize it, I fear it will not grow at all or that it will grow crooked respecting the space that once belonged to you my love...

Sometimes before falling asleep or in the dawn I miss you and I yearn to feel complete again, to glow with quiet joy, to feel like everything is right in the world....Will I ever allow myself/ have the chance to know anybody as my own limb?

a crush turned into a crash

It's like watching a really bad accident unfold before your eyes in slow motion...that's what being in a bad destructive relationship is like. The feeling of helplessness is eating you alive...the gruesome details are all stuck in your ears and imprinted on your retina. You're praying for a swift merciful end that will make you forget and will finally end your sufferance. Except the death of the relationship doesn't liberate either one of you...you can't let go, detach, forget, forgive. You no longer have a crush but after the terrible crash you are left in pieces, your limbs and soul are scattered everywhere and no matter how hard you try you can't glue them back together....

I miss being whole...i wish i could put a ribbon on my heart and make myself a gift for someone to unwrap and discover and treasure...I did pull myself in a giant heap of mess feigning normality, i tied myself so as to keep the despair in check and I gave alchool, friends, music, books and movies a chance to make me disappear...I'm still here and I'm screaming from the top of my lungs...

I want to be able to have a crush again that would heal the wounds from my previous crash into love!