Missing limb...

I miss you like a missing limb sometimes...The absence of the ghost limb still haunts and hurts me. Why do I mourn your disappearance when all my other limbs are present and healthy and more than happy to make up for you being gone?

But I only feel the void you left behind and I only obsess on my loss not my gains. I must confess I tried prosthetic limbs, I tried to replace you and the only result was a doubled pain.  They felt so artificial, not part of me, not recognized by my body or my soul. I ended up brutally rejecting them just to feel myself again, to escape the feeling of guilt over betraying you. I do not want or need the support, fake understanding or attempts to heal me of the prosthetic limbs. I run from their condescending tone, their cliche advice or their sympathy. But most of all I hate their arrogance...they will never be able to take your place; imposing their affections on me won't gain them a spot inside me, it only condemns them to remain outsiders. 

And since it's clear I can't pretend or accept cosmetic replacements just to seem whole and normal...I'll just wait for my limb to grow again. It's an excruciating pain letting go of you, my former limb, coming to terms that it was never meant to be. And I fear growing a new limb, nurturing it with my heart and soul. I fear I won't be patient enough or wise enough to recognize it, I fear it will not grow at all or that it will grow crooked respecting the space that once belonged to you my love...

Sometimes before falling asleep or in the dawn I miss you and I yearn to feel complete again, to glow with quiet joy, to feel like everything is right in the world....Will I ever allow myself/ have the chance to know anybody as my own limb?

a crush turned into a crash

It's like watching a really bad accident unfold before your eyes in slow motion...that's what being in a bad destructive relationship is like. The feeling of helplessness is eating you alive...the gruesome details are all stuck in your ears and imprinted on your retina. You're praying for a swift merciful end that will make you forget and will finally end your sufferance. Except the death of the relationship doesn't liberate either one of you...you can't let go, detach, forget, forgive. You no longer have a crush but after the terrible crash you are left in pieces, your limbs and soul are scattered everywhere and no matter how hard you try you can't glue them back together....

I miss being whole...i wish i could put a ribbon on my heart and make myself a gift for someone to unwrap and discover and treasure...I did pull myself in a giant heap of mess feigning normality, i tied myself so as to keep the despair in check and I gave alchool, friends, music, books and movies a chance to make me disappear...I'm still here and I'm screaming from the top of my lungs...

I want to be able to have a crush again that would heal the wounds from my previous crash into love!